A Zombiepocalypse Lies in Wait

C’mon, it’s inevitable…

(you *had* to know I’d throw this in)

Recently, I’ve been introduced to the new television show The Walking Dead on AMC. Now, if you know me at all, you’ll realize that I’m a horror geek and I love all things werewolf, vampire and zombie, to include a mummy and maybe Frankenstein-ish monster (I’m trying to come up with ideas to write for those last three). I grew up watching the classics. I fell in love with Dracula (Bela Lugosi) when I was eight. I saw Night of the Living Dead within a year or two after that. Godzilla is my favorite city-destroying monster of all-time, except I never have liked King Kong vs. Godzilla. I hate King Kong. Movies like Squirm make me, well, squirm. Not a large primate climbing the Empire State Building. I mean, c’mon, we’re talking worms with teeth here. Any Dr. Phibes movie or Poe-inspired Vincent Price movie will have me grinning widely and evilly while ideas bounce around in my mind on how I can adapt them. I think Tim Burton is a god for doing just that and then some. He’s also the Goth version of Dr. Seuss.

Zombieland is one of my favorite zombie movies, which was supposed to be a television show, but they decided to turn it into a movie. That’s why the second half completely goes against the rules they’re so adamant about in the first half. *shakes head* (psst, that’s my review if you click the link)

But I digress…because I get sidetracked. It’s the ADD.

Who introduced me to The Walking Dead but none other than my friend Juliette, the mastermind behind VampTeam chats on Twitter and the Zombie Survival Crew. She thinks a lot like Kitty and I do and likely has a constant plan going through her mind for when the time of the Zombiepocalypse comes. In fact, Kitty and I were just discussing The Plan the other night while standing outside after I’d heard noises in the wash below. Probably just javalina. What can I say? I live in the desert. We’re nowhere near downtown. A good start to The Plan.

So let’s talk about The Walking Dead, the Zombie Survival Crew I’m a part of, and the rules that apply to both fiction and reality.

I’ve decided that pretty much anyone in any zombie movie has never actually watched a zombie movie. I’m talking about the characters here, not the actors. Why? Because hello? We ALL know sound attracts by now, that you have to shoot/hit them in the head/impact the brain to kill them, and that you STAY AWAY FROM CITIES! There are RULES, people. This is why the Scream movies were so brilliant, by the way. They made fun of the rules, and are about to change them (not going more into that). That said, I have one word for y’all: SILENCERS! This is assuming you don’t know how to use a bow or crossbow.

Now, I realize there are supplies issues here and the bigger cities will have more.

Here are a few of my concerns in regards to supplies and such:

• Not sure I’m willing to brave thousands of zombies for a few supplies. It’s called a “McNally Road Map” and “look at the back roads to find smaller towns.” They’ll still have some supplies because everyone’s dead, and you can always just hit the outskirts of bigger towns. Less zombies. Win!
• Gas stations – most are automated now, which means no credit card, no power, no gas. Problem. Unless you hit the small towns that haven’t upgraded the pumps. Aside from that, I think we’re all kind of screwed on gasoline and traveling very far. The reason this would happen aside from the power going out? Gas pumps are connected to a credit card machine, which is connected to a phone line. Phone lines go down, the whole network shuts off. I did a brief stint at a phone company.
• Twinkies actually do have an expiration date, and let me tell you, when the Zombiepocalypse starts, I’m going to be craving those! As an aside, I’d like to add Tallahassee from Zombieland to the Zombie Survival Crew because that man knows how to kill some zombies! And with such flair!

Have any of you read The Forest of Hands and Teeth yet? I know it’s a YA book, but Oh. My. God. Don’t worry, they’re working on a movie for those of you who don’t like to read or haven’t had the opportunity to read it. This could be our future!

Now, let’s discuss the rules and how they apply to the world in both fiction and reality:

• The Human condition – stupidity – this is a given in any storyline for fiction. It creates drama, which people want because it creates tension and if there’s no tension, the story falls flat. There’s always at least one stupid person in the group who will risk the lives of others. In reality, I will shoot this person before s/he gets bitten or puts anyone else in danger. I’m serious. If you are prone to this type of behavior, stay the hell away from me or you’ll be looking down the barrel of my 30/30. Which reminds me, I need to go out for some practice shooting… And when in God’s name did it become okay to emulate the drama of fiction in the really real world? I hate reality television with a passion. Sorry, that’s a whole other post. But you get my point, right? Sometimes humans can be worse than the monsters they’re trying to escape, and it’s all due to the stupid factor. Think, people, THINK!
• As much as I don’t care for some rednecks, they know how to hunt and survive in the wilderness. My ex-husband was a damn good hunter (firearms and bow) and fisherman, though he’s not a redneck, so there’s a plus. It’s possible to find a man with those skills that doesn’t include the bigotry. Win! We don’t need to discuss the why’s of him being an ex, but these skills are absolutely vital when the Zombiepocalypse hits. Otherwise, you’ll likely starve to death when the crappy supermarket food runs out or goes bad … if you can get to it. It’s all going to go back to the hunters and gatherers stage of life, because God forbid should you be able to settle down and actually farm. Aside from that, rednecks bring in the drama (as attested by the Jerry Springer show) needed for fiction. Please leave the drama out of reality. I will kill you. I’ve had enough of it at this stage of my life. Thank you very much.
• Checkpoint – not like in a video game. I’m talking sentry, lookout, etc. In the camp, where was the person whose job this was on the show? There should always be someone on lookout! Then you know the zombies are coming. You can’t rely on tin freakin’ cans alone strung up all over the forest. Sheesh. Even the Vatos knew this.
• In all honesty, only the strong will survive this mess. A Zombiepocalypse is not a place for the weak. Sad, but true. I will be working out a lot in the near future. Intelligence factors in here, obviously, because stupid decisions will get you killed or turn you into a human happy meal. Strength in all areas, then. Which means drama queens will freak out and get themselves killed. Cool. Now I don’t have to shoot them.
• On the show, a group of people camped outside the city. CAMPED! Regardless of whether I do or don’t like camping is beside the point. You will NOT find me CAMPING outside in a tent during the Zombiepocalypse, people. It’s a sure way to die, as we saw in episode 5, for the love of God. At least, I wouldn’t stay in one spot for more than a day/night. The dead don’t rest. We must always remain on the move. Welcome to the New World Order.
• And I’ll admit, the Vatos episode nearly broke my heart when they went inside the Vatos territory. I won’t say why and spoil it for you, but I do have a weakness there, which could be a problem. That said, I will be driving to Tempe to retrieve Umi when the world goes to Hell in a hand basket, hoping she’s still alive and I don’t have to put a bullet in her brain. See? I do have a heart. No, you can’t eat it. Neither can Shawn, the vampire of our Z-crew.
• And finally, ZOMBIES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO RUN! George Romero agrees with me on this. It’s all because of video games, really, but in reality, the undead wouldn’t have the motor skills or brain functions to move that fast. Yes, I will keep telling myself that until I actually see one running. Now, the Rage virus? That’s different. That isn’t dead. That’s just pure primal pissed off.

If you haven’t been over to Juliette’s blog, you might want to check it out. Robert “IronE” Singleton (aka T-Dog) answered a bunch of questions from the Zombie Survival Crew recently, and man, are there some great answers! One of which includes that I have now become the redneck I’ve always despised with him wanting to call me Daryl Dixon from here on out. Well, at least I have the accent down.

But if you know me well enough, you’ll know I’m a mimic. *winks*

Peace out and happy zombie hunting!